The Assh*le Report

Ingrate Assh*les

2007-03-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, there was almost a crash.

A plane lost an engine in the air, did an emergency landing in Detroit,
where we had no gate, and no personel, and had to stay on the tarmac.

The pilots called a caterer from their cell phones, and had the plane
catered.

We sent a new plane to go get them, and bring them to MKE, where they
recieved vouchers for free round trip tickets and free meals.

When the passengers made it to MKE, they swore at the gate agents, and
called us monkeys.

One would think that being in a crash position and nearly dying, except for
the pilots who literally saved your life, would make you reflect on being an
asshole.

Assh*oles with axes

2007-03-06T05:07:00.000-08:00

Don't you love it when someone trys to pass you using a lane thats
ending, and has been ending for a long time, then cuts you off and
flips you off? People who do that are assholes, as are guys who
strangle their wives and chop up the bodies and disperse the pieces in
a metropark only to retrieve the pieces after finding out the cops are
searching there and then lie about it - especially
when they have kids. Krissy

It's not FATE Assh*le... it's you.

2007-02-20T08:41:00.000-08:00

Assh*le Report reader Eric has some rather strong feelings about assh*oles who choose to put stock in fate - ostensibly as a means of relinquishing any personal responsibility for their actions or lack thereof. While it may not be a case of one particular assh*ole getting his goat, at the very least it provides compelling insight into how some folks play that old game of chance....

"Ok... for most people who know me - I'm not a huge fan of the word
"Fate" - espeicially lately (I was recently told by my a-hole
ex-girlfriend of 9 months that, FATE will work things out).

I tend to shy away from phrases such as, "Things happen for a reason"
- because, well... everything happens for a reason - it's called cause
and effect. If you sit around waiting for "reason" - then you aren't
acting on your life or taking responsibility for the "reason" things
happened. If something happens - you are most likely directly the
reason for it in your life. If something happens, good or bad, it's
not fate - it's your action - or lack of action.

So tonight - we are going to talk about the "F" word... Fate... with a
capital F.

Fate is considered - by most - to be a divine arrow that leads you
through a pre-determined destiny. By believing in Fate - you agree you
have no control over your actions or life - that it is guided by
something out of your control. If you believe in Fate - then you have
to agree with these terms. I am not making this shit up.

Myself - I think I am in total control of the right and wrong choices
I make in my life. It's my fault - no one else's... no divine power
getting a laugh of things... if I screw up - it's my fault. If I win
at a hand of cards - it was either because I was smart or lucky. Fate
is an exuse for assholes.

Now... most would argue, "Eric - can you disprove Fate? How are you
sooooo much smarter than the 95% of people who believe in Fate?"

The truth is. I'm not. And they are not wrong to believe. I have no
scientific evidence that proves people wrong... just as their faith
has nothing to back up their claim. The only difference is that I take
responsibility for what happens in my life and refuse to blame (or
bless) Fate. Assholes seem to have an excuse in the "F" word.

I have been told, "If fate means we will be together - we will." To
this I say, "ok... fuck that... I am going to try my damnest to create
my own Fate - and if I fail - it wasn't "meant to be" because I failed
(or the other asshole left it up to Fate and didn't try hard enough).

My point is - don't wait for Fate to save you - save yourself. If you
think being passive is the right way to live because it's easy to
believe "Fate will show you the way...." fine... you have one shot at
life... glad to see Fate is your only bullet. I prefer six loaded
chambers of choice.

I just hope the next time you say/think, "Everything happens for a
reason," you take the time to ask youself, "What if I decided to take
control of my own 'Fate' and try to make an improvement."

So please - do me a favor assholes and never use the "F" word around
me - it's offensive. Oh yeah - I wish my "ex-asshole" all the best and
hope happiness is in her "Fate." And I truly mean it. I'm not an
asshole after all...."

-Eric

Hello, police? I think I've got an assh*le in my eye!

2007-02-15T07:33:00.000-08:00

Assh*les in the sky and behind the counter...

2007-02-15T06:11:00.000-08:00

To any assh*les who may be reading this, please refrain from inflicting your particular brand of shit-stained dickery on Zac until further notice... it sounds as if our good friend over at .:DataWhat?:. has already hit his assh*le quota for the month.
Take it easy on the poor guy, will ya?

"There's this manager of a nearby Kinko's copies who has let his power (and possibly some toner fumes) go to his head.

He is constantly walking around behind the counter and in the print area like Strother Martin in Cool Hand Luke, swinging his wide waist around and glaring at the customers in line like he'd sooner spit than help us out.

The crowning moment of Assh*lery came a couple weeks ago when a woman told him that they were out of 8½ by 11 laminating plastic and asked if there were any more sheets in the back. The guy said "They don't make 8½ by 11 sheets of laminating plastic." The woman looked confused, since she was clearly partway through her project and had been using these very sheets moments ago at the Kinko's laminating station. The manager eventually said "They make 9 by 11½ sheets of laminating plastic. If they were 8½ by 11, they wouldn't be big enough to cover the paper."

Oh come on. You knew precisely what she was asking for and decided to be a bigshot assh*le, didn't you? It's like your second grade teacher saying "No no Johnny, you should be asking 'May I go to the bathroom'" but far worse because at least in second grade you're there to learn.

What if this woman was laminating information on how to dismantle a time bomb, or do radical esophageal surgery with a ball point pen, and because of your bigstuffing tomfoolery the patient died in the elevator?"

---
...and another!
---

"Attention Assh*les on the airplane: Turn off your goddamned electronic devices.

I don't care if your seat-back is in the upright position or if your tray table is stowed. As far as I'm concerned, those are steps to make sure you don't injure yourself. But to the fucktard in the suit who is making a cell phone call as the plane is taking off, you are potentially endangering the lives of everyone else on the plane. And you there who is pretending not to speak any English while playing your PSP: Why do you hide your game any time the flight attendant walks by? Hmmm? Is it because you know you're not supposed to have it on while the plane is taking off?

Attention Humans: You are not special. These rules apply to you. Stop acting like a kid in the back of the classroom with Coleco football game, or I will take it away and not give it back until the end of the school year."

Assh*le Security

2007-02-12T06:05:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I called a security company to get an estimate for a home security system.

Well, the security system was far more expensive than the advertised price. Several days later, I received a phone call from the sales person. I politely declined the offer and told the sales person we would not be installing a security system in our home. The following day, the sales person called again; and I declined the offer. A few hours after my second decline, the sales person called my wife’s cell phone (A number I gave them in case of emergency). The sales person left a message on my wife’s phone asking “What was the best day for the security system installation they need to schedule?”

I’ve seen kids do this to their parents...
In fact, I did when I was 4 and desperate for another dessert!

-Fred

Paging Dr. Assh*le

2007-02-08T10:47:00.000-08:00

I was on the elevator, with a large cart of things, at the hospital I volunteer at. I got to my floor, the doors opened and I gathered my momentum to push the cart out. As I did, a doctor came barreling in. He didn't have time to stop and wait to make sure no one was getting off, but he certainly had time to give me a look, that I must assume implied *I* was an a-hole for being in his way. I'm not one for generalizations, so I won't say "That's a doctor for ya." But I will say "That's an a-hole for ya."

NY and Company Assh*le

2007-02-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

I went into a NY and Co. wanting to try on some clothes. I had to search down a sales lady. When I finally found her on the opposite side of the store, I asked her where some sweaters or pants may be. She sighed the whole time and just pointed in general vicinities. I had to ask three times where things were. She looked pissed that i took time away from her folding. Finally, I asked if I could try some stuff on. She literally ROLLED HER EYES and let me in.

Checkout Line Assh*le

2007-02-08T08:02:00.001-08:00

I was at Busch's the other day paying for some odds and ends. When I went to sign my receipt I stumbled a bit over my own feet -- I'm clumsy! It happens! -- and steadied myself by putting my hand on the bagging area. It landed next to the purse of the woman who had paid before me and was still bagging her stuff. I don't know if she thought I was trying to cut in front of her, push her, steal her purse, cop a feel, or really what I did that was so offensive to her...but she got right in my face and goes "THAT WAS VERY RUDE, YOU KNOW." I was completely taken aback. I wish I could say I rose to the occasion, but I couldn't think of a good response...all I said was "Um, SORRY?!" in sort of a teenager I'm-totally-not-sorry-and-we-both-know-it sort of way. I wish I had kicked her in the shins.

Voice Mail Assh*le

2007-02-08T07:25:00.000-08:00

I had a voice mail recently where a man left nothing but, "How does it feel to be such a failure at your age?" And then he hung up. I didn't recognize his voice, and I have not researched a time collaboration between the call and my call-log--yet--I saved the message.
-Mike

What an assh*le!

2007-02-08T07:08:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

I have an important issue that I feel needs to be addressed and I figured what better way to do it than to start a blog.

Lately I've been feeling as if general assholery is on the rise. I can't quite place why or sense any sort of real pattern to it, but whether it's on the road, on the sidewalk, in line at the bank, or yes (gasp!) even on the Internet, it seems like you can't turn left these days without getting a shitstain on your sleeve. I want to start a blog where people submit stories about everyday encounters with such puckered pricks, and call it "The Assh*le Report." It's something I know I'd get a laugh out of reading, and I'm hoping that by pointing out the absurdity of such ridiculous behavior we can turn those initially frustrating encounters into something entertaining for all.

So there's the pitch. Send your favorite assh*ole stories to "aholereport@gmail.com" and let's have some fun calling these assh*les out!

Cheers,
J